Medicate Me

is that i ever let the fucker go again!!!!! LOL

my head hurts!
i've kept myself up for a looooong time now, don't ask me why.
i'm not very tired but my head is killing meeeeeeeeeee!

i thought i'd turn back the days into just that.. DAYS!
cos i've been sleeping until it's dark enough out to loose track of what day it is.

and in 2h, im gonna go buy the last pack of smokes im gonna get for another 10 days, so unless i can persuade my ever so lovely brother to hook me up with some cash, i'll be off banging my head against the wall for atl 8days:P

isn't my vids showing up under the tags??!!!

im confused.. and a bit annoyed.. but i'm obviously stupid to.. so i will forget all about this and think it never happened..

okay.

so not meaningless at all.. haha

but.. this is the memorial stone obviously... it looks beautiful


credit goes to: WaspGirl 

and nothing's changed, still miss you to pieces!!!!!!!!

I hate life atm.. it fucks with both me and my friends.
I'm used to this shit, but wtf!!! my friend made nothing but good efforts to start over and still get it thrown back in her face.

I HATE EX- BOYFRIENDS, SPANISH AUTHORITIES and being helpless.....

"low, pissed and broke"~ is my middle name

i mean come on.. i'm on HIM's guest list at Helldone.. how cool is THAT!


so looking forward to Helsinki, i'll be leaving early as fuck wednesday morning.. and i wont be going back to Sweden until Jan 2nd, so I'll have some time looking up places for work and stuff.
March seems very distant right now, but I bet it will feel like 1 week when i'm finally there:S
Don't feel like leaving this flat, i like it, but i'm getting used to being kicked out unfortunatly


AT LEAST I GET TO FINNISH THE YEAR IN A FUCKING GREAT WAY!!!!!!

w00t?? will there be fucking??
i truuuly hope so before i cramp up and turn to dust...


kixxes

i had the most crappy 2 days, but after work its been fuckin great!

yesterday, i had ville-porn waiting in my inbox (thank you for saving my day btw Slave^^)
and today.. i finally found the issues of kerrang and rock sound with the ville posters downtown!!!
(gonna have to sleep with my eyes open from now on)

and.. The beanie vid!!!
it's back.. i mean i havnt really cared THAT much about it like everyone else seems to, but holy mother of .. Ville

he's so damn good looking at this very moment i can feel my heart stop!

gonna watch those vids again.. and say goodbye to the world..

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4:

"en trasig, udda, ensam jävla skärartjej" (roughly translates into " A broken, odd, lonely fucking cuttergirl".

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
never watch TV

4. Without looking, guess what time it is:
4.30

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
4.39

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
Therapy (on the computer but out the big speakers so it doesn't count)

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
bought breakfast and smokes

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
the walls in my shower

9. What are you wearing?
towels!

10. Did you dream last night?
probably, don't we dream every night... just don't remember

11. When did you last laugh?
laughed out of pure happiness when watching the Ville flash-vid *drooool*

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
bunch of crap and Valo

13. Seen anything weird lately?
I live in a ghetto, take a wild guess

14. What do you think of this quiz?
there's no no2!

15. What is the last film you saw?
Tried watching chocolat yesterday... but god damn that movie was boring

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
i'd by all the crap i didnt need when i had payed all my oooold bills

17. Tell me something about you that I don't know?
uhm.. there's alot you don't know

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics what would you do?
id make it legal killing off assholes that hurt animals

19. Do you like to dance?
not even a bit.. i hate it.. ALOT

20. George Bush:
what about him?

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
i have nooo idea

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
still dont know, i want others to name their babies after me.. yay!


23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
many times, and i will, eventually, live in spain

24. What do you want to say to God when you reach the pearly gates?
i should have removed this entire question...

I hate when i get to the point where i use my brain..
Yeah i know and i'm sorry, i shouldn't do that, so i've been told^^

but, i was on youtube and stubled upon vids with David, and as usual.. i'm in kind of a crappy mood.
It's so strange that i havn't been able to listen to an entire song of his since the day he died, i've tried so many times, but..
i think it's still in the back of my head that the last thing he ever told me was "i'm gonna take a shit"..
yup, it's so much like him.. but i never though he would be gone just a few days later, and i'm fuckin pissed off to this day.
On Jan 20th, it will be 2 years... but not a day goes by that i don't send a thought his way.
I don't believe in heaven, i'm not even sure i believe there is ANYTHING on the other side of this crappy hellhole, but i would like to believe he's in a place where he's happy and where he can be that crazy fucked up guy he deserves to be.

I know the world still turns, mine does to, but the months after his death was the worst i have ever experienced in my life, i'm not even sure i remember anything but crying and the pain i had in my chest.. for months and months.
waking up everyday without being able to breath and always wondering when it would go away.

I was out that day, getting more wasted than i've ever been in my life.
It was decided earlier, but when i had the news that morning, my world stopped!
everyone was leaving, and the thought of being alone at home wasn't the best of ideas, the state of mind i was in.. i don't know what could have happened..
I got wasted, really fast.. been crying all day so my body and my mind was tired.
and fell down a big ass staircase.
I still have the marks left on my legs, i have a crater in my left thigh.. and a bumb the left leg.
Not like i was gonna forget that day but thanks anyway for making even more shitty memories...


i miss you dude!! and i'm still fucking pissed at you for making that choice, even though i know you probably had to (in YOUR head).

fuck, now i'm gonna sob again!




I write the lines you want me to,
With the words I dare to use of all the ones that you have taught me,
Along the years

You cast a perfect shadow on the paper, fade away with sunlight,
I fear the way you know me, love can leave a stain...

You steal my only hope and make me stay awake another night,
I wish you bear with me, stay near me
When the Autumn leaves have fallen....
Solitude, my pain, the last thing left of me..

If you fall I’ll catch, if you love I’ll love,
And so it goes, my dear, don’t be scared, you’ll be safe,
This I swear. If you only love me

Seven lonely lies written on Deadwinter’s night,
open the only book with the only poem I can read
In blood I sign my name and seal the midnight with a tear,
burn the paper, every line for them I cried…

If you fall I’ll catch, if you love I’ll love,
and so it goes, my dear, don’t be scared, you’ll be safe,
this I swear. If you only love me back

I am the Playwright and you are my Crown, make me cry for your love,
like you’ve done many times,
so I know I can’t write these storylines without you, Lady pain,
make me strong, can’t we be together without them forever…

The words I write can only hurt you, sorry for the rain, thank you,
my only one, you gave me this pain
I leave you gently on the floor, take one step towards the door,
where’s the letter never written, goodnight now…

If you fall I’ll catch, if you love I’ll love,
and so it goes, my dear, don’t be scared, you’ll be safe,
this I swear. If you only love me

The Misery
(Tony Kakko)
Sonata Arctica

I'm going to be homeless again.. in june!
I hate getting bad news, but this takes the fuckin prize!

I've been homeless enough, from march til august this year, i didnt have a place to live and was crashing at a friends place, went to spain for a month to forget about the bad shit.. and i drowned it.. BAD
when i get back from spain 2 of my friends are moving in together so i get to take his apartment, now he's gonna get rid of it:(
I can't get a place on my own.. noone will rent me anything since i've been drinking up all my money in the past instead of paying my rents.
It's just so fucking typical that when you finally are on your way to getting back up on your feet and get your life in order once and for all.. it comes back to bite you hard in the ass or kick you in the teeth.

They told me they are coming to get the microwave (i was almost devastated by THAT), and after a while.. they say: oh, btw.. we need to get rid of the apartment in march, so june.. you're out!

like.. BTW????
fuck this shit!
who want's a flat-mate, haha

i sooo stole this off slave..

RULES:
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!!!


IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
hallowed be thy name

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
high (what? nooooo, i would never!^^)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
sick for the cure

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
within the dark mind (i'm a bit better than that actually)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
if you could see (it should be "if I could see")

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
outlaw vagabond

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
standin on the verge

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Lil' Bloodred Ridin' Hood

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
The Clown Is Dead  (sure hope so!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR LOVE?
Mania For Conquest (lol)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
A Whiter Shade of Pale (hmm, that used to be true)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Love Removal Machine (that IS true)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Why Reprise

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Dark Secret Love (wouldn't call it a secret)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
off she goes (least you can say, i sure miss them)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
fuck the world

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
monkey needs

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
low, broke and pissed

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
18 and life (kind of got passed that part, yay me)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
superstar (i am? why thank you)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
no neo bastards (so fukkin true, i love ya!)

WHAT SONG WILL BE THE SUBJECT WHEN YOU REPOST :
no rules

I could use a life!!
i kind of "just figured out" that i'm a nerd.. a real computer geek, and that's starting to freak me out a bit.
i'm just short of pimples and glasses.
i mean i wouldn't want ppl to know i'm a nerd so i use lences instead.. when i actually leave my flat for more than 10 min to go buy smokes or whatever.

i don't do anything remotely normal anymore.. i talk on the phone, yes.. but thats about it:)
My days consist of waking up at 3 in the afternoon, i drag my ass over to the computer, check my e-mail and all other sites i feel i have to keep up with.. start 10 cups of coffee before my head explodes, go back to the computer... and sit there!
that's about it.
and what do i do? i have no fucking idea.. i spend probably 15h/day or more here, and i'm not even sure what i've been doing for the last 10 of them^^

and since i completely quit on TV, i watch all myc shows here too, thank god for downloading and high speed broadband (fuck god, it's me paying for it!)
and there's not 1 show i'm trying to keep up with either.. come to think of it, that's probably where half of those 10 hours go:)
i'm tryin to catch up on supernatural, since i missed some episodes at the start of this season, i thought i'd wait with watching until there was a few... that show is highly addictive.. i watched the 1st season in one sitting, took it's time:)
and what else..
csi 1, 2, and 3 (cos one can never be enough?)
NCIS (yup, just had to overdo it)
Gossip girl (i'm a sucker for teenage romance obviously)
Bones (won't stop that until they fuck!)
Ugly Betty (FINALLY someone more ugly than me)
Blood Ties (i would really like to see Ville as the vampire, but i'll take what i can get)
Men in trees (not like the fall on my head these days)
One tree hill (january yet)
Stargate atlantis (dunno how that happened, but it's cute)
Moonlight (such a cheap rip-off, but still.. i'm stuck)
Dexter (best thing that happened in a long time)

and i bet i missed 1 or 2 up there.
my so-called-life is pretty much taken over by this stuff..
and damn i miss Gilmore Girls:( never thought i'd survive without it, haha)

so in between all this, i'm listening to music, trying to read a book or two, work once in a while and remember to feed the cat:D
no wonder my friends are all worried about me^^
I've been at this for the last 6 years or something, you'd think they get used to it... but since i quit the alcohol it kind of got worse than ever.
one need took over the other:P


so any ideas for a life?
or should i go back drinking again.. i will though, once i can afford to, just not as often, haha

i don't know, but some changes would probably be in order around this loft!

just kidding, i wanna dye though.. my hair

what do you think, go all black again  like the last 15 years or do.. or do something a bit more fun?
this is now, looks kinda boring, and has probably 10 diff colors by now, they all seem to go red after a while...


this is an idea...

i've watched the vid for bleed well like a zillion times by now, would have been more if i didn't have to work all day (gonna have to talk to my boss about that hmmppff)
Things is, when i first saw it, i was a bit bummed, but it's grown on me to the point where i just find myself staring.. staring and again staring!
AT VILLE'S MOUTH!
those lips, holy fuckin shit i wish i could jump my screen without breaking it!!

speaking of jumping ..
I jumped down the stairs to my flat (it's in a basement) and my belly wobbled!
I wish i wasn't to fuckin lazy to go on a diet.
wonder whats cheaper.. diet or new clothes.
there's no real difference though, since new clothes come both ways.
fuck that, i'm gonna have some candy and coffee!

oh, and i spoke to one of my ex-bf's today.. he fucked this old lady from work when he was drunk.. that made my day!
I love that he's always got something embarrasing to spill so i can smile.
Love you Six, always and fuckin forever!

♥:*¨¨*:♥:*¨¨*:♥:*¨¨*:♥:*¨¨*:♥:*¨¨*:♥:*¨¨*:♥:*¨¨*:♥:*¨¨*:♥:*¨¨*:♥:*¨¨*:♥:*¨¨*:♥


♥:*¨¨*:♥:*¨¨*:♥:*¨¨*:♥:*¨¨*:♥:*¨¨*:♥:*¨¨*:♥:*¨¨*:♥:*¨¨*:♥:*¨¨*:♥:*¨¨*:♥:*¨¨*:♥

i went and got the frickin heartagram membership.
this means my phone will be shut off this month, since i had to choose wich one to pay for, haha
but i really, and i mean REALLY need that Lithograph thingie from the store so i don't care.
and the order itself was free, strange that there was no shipping or tax or whatever, i'm happy with it being free.
Lets hope this makes it to my door, last time i ordered something from outside Sweden it took me 4 months of e-mails back and forth cos my order got sent back to the company in Germany.
Knowing Warner.. this will probably be fucked up in one way or the other.

I fell asleep when i came home from work, and woke up around midnight, fully rested.
Real clever, i have to work again in a few hours, and sleep isn't one of my priorities atm..
i need FOOD!!

and eye-candy

Since I can't stress this enough, We Need More Members, and some active ones would be even greater!
So go register and add to the fun in my life, cos there isn't much of that going on in my life!!!

where all the magic happens...

and before you say anything, YES i DO smoke alot..

about me!

I live of coffee and need atl 15 cups/day, I smoke more than i can afford to, I love hockey and speedway, think rollingpapers are the best invention ever (next to computers and birthcontrol^^), i suffer from a Ville Valo obsession that's close to taking over my life every now and then, I also have obsessions on Mark Lanegan and my teenage crush Nikki Sixx.
My religion is called Simpsons if any, I live in a 1 room apartment that looks like a teenage-room, I refuse to grow up and keep telling myself i will be 23 forever, I drink beer like it's water.. though beer taste better than water, I have a cat since 9 years, his name is Mozarth and I love him to death, I love being single, since i am for the first time in 7 years, I tend to get stuck in computergames alot, work part-time as a cleaner.. something i've done on and off since '94 and actually LIKE.
My only dream in life was to become a tattoo-artist, but that's pretty much out of the picture since time seem to fly by and there are little mini Kat VonD's everywhere by now^^

Money rules the world, and i'm sad to admit that applies to me also, i wan't loads and loads of it.. or more if possible:)

yap, that pretty much sums it up!

my hairy baby making funny faces?!

is fucking boring when there's noone around to smack up!

i need smokes!!!